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Thoughts Of The Day
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Date:2016-11-23 19:28
Subject:"And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well"
Security:Public

I miss you.



I feel like this is a weird thing for me to feel since we have been apart for so long. I cant even remember the last time I saw you. And I know you want nothing to do with me, with us, because we have tried. Even in the last few years, we tried to reach out to you and all we got was silence. Which is an answer in itself. So I guess Im supposed to know how you feel. But I dont, and Ive always wondered why. Why did you throw us away? Why did we suddenly stop meaning anything to you? I know times change, and people change, and we've all grown up and experienced new things, and people, but I honestly thought what we had was for life. Maybe not always the same, but we wouldnt give up on each other. One day, we would be old and grey and have a reunion and look back on all the fond memories and pictures and share some good laughs. I have done that with some. Roman I see each other from time to time when im home, and its as if nothing has changed. Glen and i hung out for years afterwords, all the years we still lived in the city together. Sayer and Cornfield, I havent seen in a long time, and was honestly mad at for awhile. But a message was passed to me a little while ago, about how sorry they were that they hurt me, and I forgave them. And I am interested in reconnecting at some point, as they shared they would also be. But you have just disappeared. From all of our lives. And ive always wondered if it was us that made it happen...




....




I had a dream about you the other night. Well, maybe not exactly about you, but in the dream you were the star (of sorts). It didnt really look like you, and at one point you may have looked like a girl, but more to the point I could FEEL it was you. I could feel the way you made me feel comfortable and excited and happy, like back in the day. I could feel the wisdom was yours, and the happiness at the lessons you taught me. I cant really tell you what the dream was about, because as always happens, with those first few flickers of eyeball movement, the dream relm slowly starts to dissipate, like fog creeping over the harbour, and reality and fantasy/memory start to get all tangled and disjointed. Like a picture out of focus. But I woke up thinking of you. Grateful for the years you were in my life. Wondering if we will ever get another chance. I dont want anything more from you, then maybe a little time. But as we age, ive come to realize time is at a premium. And therefore, im not expecting to ever get what I want. But ive always wanted you to know, if I harmed you, then I am truly sorry. I know life did not come easy for you, and in the last years maybe even less so. But I have always held you in my heart. And hoped that you are well. Cuz you are loved, still, and always. One day maybe I will be able to say some things to your face. And maybe not. One thing I have learned living in a town of 5000 for the last 8 years, no matter how large the world may seem, similar energies will always attract and collide. One day maybe our energies will collide again, and for a brief moment, I will have my friend back. Or maybe not, Im not holding out much hope these days. But I do hope you are well and surrounded by all that you desire.




.....




I feel I havent been very thankful this last little while. Personal hardship tends to make you dwell on all that you have lost or are missing. Maybe its time for a little thankfulness to start creeping back in.

I am thankful for the air I breath.
I am thankful for the movement I am able to achieve with my body.
I am thankful for memory, and for my sub-conscience.
I am thankful for old friends and loving brothers.
I am thankful for the ability to get these thoughts out in this wonderful journal once more.

Current Mood: contemplative..
Current Music: Shred Kelly

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Date:2014-05-14 13:13
Subject:" Im never gonna leave you again"
Security:Public

One of my favorite memories of you is the night of the Slowcoaster show at Pete's. It was such a fantastic night for me!! Seeing my band, in my new home. I hadn't seen them live in years, but as soon as they started playing, it was just like I was back in a club in Halifax or Freddy. The feelings their music evokes in me was the exact same! It was as if no time had passed since I had seen them last. My body knew exactly what it was supposed to do. It had been missing them. I danced all night. I had some friends around me, and they seemed really into it, which made me happy........
.... And then you showed up.......
... Out of nowhere. I never expected you to come, even though I had desperately hoped you would. You came right up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned around you gave me the biggest and bestest hug I have ever had. It's hard to describe why it was so great but a lot of it had to do with how well we fit together at that moment. It was like that space in your arms was made just for me. My excitement and energy mingled with your excitement at already having had a fantastic evening; it was like a bubble of possibility all around us. It was only a brief moment, but I have come back to it many times. For the first time, everything just clicked and fell into place. If only for a brief moment, I truly felt home; loved, accepted, appreciated and happy. It all came together for me. And with Slowco as the soundtrack! I wonder if one day there will be other moments like that..... Im open to the possibilities.....






......




Thank you for the beautiful weather we have been having
Thank you for relationships and connections
Thank you for nature and all her splendor
Thank you for the beauty in the everyday

current mood: excited with possibility..
current music: beautiful mix cd's made for me over the years by a very special friend

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Date:2012-11-19 01:08
Subject:
Security:Public

I was just doing some reminiscing, and i came across this journal entry ... the words to a song that felt very personal to me once upon a time ... as i was scanning, this particular line stuck out to me above all others....


"I remembered you the moment i met you"


...



Will this ever happen? Will i remember you? or have i strayed so far off my life's true course that my destiny is no longer available to me? is it possible to never connect with the one you are supposed to meet? I thought once, maybe its finally happened. But that was a mistake .. I was blind and saw only what i wanted to see, ignoring all the little red flags and nagging in the back of my heart. But its done, and ive learned. And i made my choice. But even tho i didnt choose you, did i still choose the wrong path? I was told once by a wonderful woman, that i wouldnt have to do anything, my life was on a course to meet THE ONE destined for me. That all i had to do was live my life, and OUR paths would cross.... but i still havent met YOU yet ... i am still not loved for the true me inside ... I hide, waiting for the day when I will meet YOU, and remember .. I have always been a hopeless romantic .. i will always believe in fate and that there are people destined for everyone... but I dont want to wait anymore ... I have dreams, and i can see my life... but all that is missing is YOU .... maybe hanging onto a relationship that the majority of the time feels right, is what is keeping me off that path ... the path to YOU... the path to remembering .... shouldn't it always feel right? ive never experienced that, the lack of doubt and uncertainty in a relationship, about the future, and about the soul that you are connected to... I believe that the day the doubt does not appear, is the day I have met YOU ... the day our souls greet one another as if they have not seen each other in years ... the day i find my roots, and remember ... i guess i may have learned a lot of lessons over the years, but patience is not among them ... until that day ...


....


Thank you for friends, my saving grace in this life time
Thank you for these words, even tho i may not have known they needed to be said
Thank you for the mountains, and for ever changing inspiration.
Thank you for all the love I was shown today!


Current Mood: Tequila induced musings on a clear mountain night
Current Music: Konstantine - Something Corporate

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Date:2012-05-25 00:13
Subject:And I am flawed, but i am cleaning up so well ...
Security:Public

I cant stop thinking about that night, those moments ... to me, it was one of those perfect nights, the kind that only ever happens in your dreams... or the movies!

The night itself was fun, lots of laughter, fun, food and drink .... but we cant deny that which is there between us. Its a connection, a feeling, an electric energy .. I didnt mean to stay, i meant to drag my drunk self home .. but the prospect of being in your presence for the whole night was just to tempting by the end. Laying next to you, I could feel the heat, and that electricity .. its crazy strong! The words that came out of your mouth, the words of an angel .. even though its forbidden, you feel it too .. its stronger then both of us .. and i dont want to fight it anymore .... I still go over those precious few moments lying with you, in our own world, sharing the same page and riding the same wave .. its why i cant actually SLEEP with u in a space; your energy is too distracting, and when ours is allowed to mingle like that, its like a current running straight through my core .. i cant do anything but imagine a future which i may have already lost .....

I know its my fault, you dont know how many times i have kicked myself for the way this has played out. Please know I never meant to hurt you. But even if i did cause hurt, its me ive hurt the most. Ive let myself down. Im not happy and its not going to change. I should have used those few precious moments of courgae and ended the hardship .. but I cant, and i dont know why ... well maybe i do, I have been thinking about it lots lately .. actually there is barely anything else i DO think of .. even tho HE isnt for me, HE'S still my friend, and i really think its that i dont want to loose. It may seem silly, but i know as soon as i end things romantically, the friendship is going to be gone too .. and really, i dont want that. I just want to end the ties and the commitment .. so I can work on being me again, so i can work on loving myself again, and work towards these dreams i have been talking about for years .. noone can get me there but myself. But im scared, and its going to be hard, and i dont want to loose HIS friendship in the process .. but really, its going to happen, and i guess thats why i havent been able to summon up the courage cuz i know what is inevitably coming .. its not an excuse, and even if it were, its definately not a good one .. but I cant help it .. WEVE been through a lot, and i dont want to loose access to the good times... but i cant keep doing this much longer, i am so unhappy and so stiffled in this so-called relationship that sometimes i think i may go crazy ... and i know how to fix it, im just to chicken, and this makes me even more sad .... but the prespect of loosing YOU is what i absolutely cant handle. YOU are in my life for a reason, a wonderful reason, of which im not sure yet, but i know i cant loose YOU. I know i have no right to ask anything of you, and i wont, and i wont make any more promises, except for this ... it will happen, i will free my heart, and i will change my situation so that i am in a position to learn and be open and to know and love myself again ... and once i feel confident that i am once again moving forward, instead of just paddling around in tiny circle, i will come to you and show you how amazing we can be, together ... I fell in love with u, what feels like a long time ago, and i just hope that one day we will have the chance to fall in love together, to see what it feels like to be with the one who knows you best .... Im sorry i havent been stronger, but this week at home has helped greatly .. i can feel the ghosts of time past, and of moments of greatness, and i know there are good times ahead again ... that i will overcome, and hopefully be able to open my heart and my arms to the sweetest person i have ever had the priviledge of experiencing ... thank you for understanding, or at least trying to .... here's to the future .....


.....


Thank you for this opportunity to come home and see my family.
Thank you for bringing special people into my life
Thank you for the sun shining today
Thank you for the ability to remember and learn from the past


Current mood : reminicing ....
Current music : Slowcoaster -"where are they going" album

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Date:2007-03-16 00:00
Subject:I need a soul to be true
Security:Public

You've been my golden best friend
Now with post demise at hand
Can't go to you for consolation
Cause were off limits during this transition
This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And i cant stop bumping into things
I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
Thought we'dbe limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
But i was sadly mistaken
You've been my soul mate and mentor
I remembered you the moment i met you
With you i knew god's face was handsome
With you i suffered an expansion
This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And i cant stop droping everything
I thought we'd be sexy together
Thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
But i was sadly mistaken
If i had a bill for all the philosophies i shared
If i had a penny for all the possibilities i presented
If i had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe
I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
Thought we'd be adventurous togheter
But i was sadly mistaken
Thought we'd be exploring together
Thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
Thought we'd be on fire together
But i was sadly mistaken



current music: "Simple Together" - Alanis Morisette

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Date:2007-01-10 01:17
Subject:the name is bond, james bond
Security:Public

I learned a very vaulable lesson tonight: Casual sex is not fulfilling.

While i know its not the same for everybody, i guess i would have to look back and say i have known this statement for awhile. Ive had my share of flings, past and present, and I would have to say although some were good sex, its never quite enough. But then again i have to ask myself, was making love ever enough either? The crossroad i have come to now consists of this: casual and detached, or meaningful and serious, is it possible to have an equal blanace of the both, or will it always be more onesided and unfulfilling? Im afraid if i give myself completely to one side, I will no longer be able to experience the other. Im an all or nothing kind of girl these days. Maybe i have just been looking for casual sex in the wrong places, yet again still to close to home. Maybe i just need to extend my branches a shade further.

hmm ...

current mood and music: I got nothing ...

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Date:2006-11-26 03:36
Subject:Man on a subway, talks to himself all damn day
Security:Public

Tonight's local celebrity sightings:
- Grand Theft Bus .. of course.
Tonight's headliners. Also the reason for our excurison this fall evening.
- The drummer from SLOWCOASTER.
Spotted on Pizza Corner, looking hot as ever, with a very pretty girl.
- Possibly a member of All OF Green.
If not, it was a scairly similar clone of one of them.


Thank you for MUSIC!!


current music: Street Sleeper - Grand Theft Bus
current mood: dancing

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Date:2006-11-14 19:19
Subject:My Christmas Wish List
Security:Public

I want to dance, wildly and offbeat
I want to sing, loudly and out of tune
I want to write, amoothly and with clarity
I want to speak, with wisdom and a strong voice
I want to create, unrestricted and free
I want to live, abundantly and joyfully




Thank you for rainy days
Thank you for friends


current mood: skipping in the door from work
current music: Random Ipod songs ...

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Date:2006-11-14 02:36
Subject:"I had to become exactly like everyone else to realize I was completely different."
Security:Public

"Its that exact look right there that gets me"
"what look?"
"I dont even think you realize you do it most of the time. I dont know what it is about you that makes me so eternally happy, but I know it has to do with the way you look at me when I am talking. Like I am the most interesting person in the world. Your head cocked to the side and a slightly crooked smile on your lips. Like you are hanging on to my words. And then the excitment at my statements, you always get it, and if you dont, you tell me and i explain further and then you get it. There is nothing fake here. Its all real. Hopefully not imaginary. Im glad you are home."
"Its been a long time"
"It sure has been. Some days I feel like i dreamed you. Like I went on a crazy long trip for what seemed like a life time, only to wake up and find you were nothing but a figment of my imagination. I feel like I lost you. One minute I knew you, the next you were gone. But life just kept on going. That was the funny thing. For awhile I had myself convinced it wouldnt, i dont know if i thought it would just slow down, or if it would completely stop moving altogether, but i figured it wasnt going to go anywhere with you. But it didnt do any of those things. If anything, I think it sped up. You left me with a lot to think about and contemplate. But in a good way. You left me thinking about life and how i saw it and how i wanted it to be. You forced me to see what reality was really like, if only for a time, before i withdrew from the real world as i so often do, back into the safe space i have created for myself in my mind. I may have had unrealistic expectations at one point, but your absence clarified them for me. So it was never a loss. Maybe sad for a few minutes. Or maybe a few more than a few. But in the end it all worked out. Im still glad you are back."
"I know that i tend to talk a lot and ramble, but it only ever seems to happen around you. That was one of the things i always liked about you. You brought out the good in me, the stuff i seem to keep hidden from most people. Stuff i didnt even know i was made of. It felt good to be what i felt was the real me for a little while. I tried to keep it up for awhile, but most people dont get me. They think of me as weird or strange. You never thought those things. Or if you did, you kept it to yourself. Thank you for that. But if i could change the subject for a minute, there is something I have really wanted to tell you. Im glad that you are happy now. Sometimes we dont know what makes us happiest until it is taken away from us. But to be able to re-gain that happiness is a very sweet and special thing, and im glad it was possible in your case. I know that I have been cynical in the past about you situation, whether you knew it or not, but that is only because i feel i have once been there. Ive never been a proponent of falling for one person and then being with them for the rest of your life. For most people it is considered easy and that is why they do it. That is why i do not believe in it. If life wernt hard sometimes, it would loose all its fun. I dont think you are doing this because it is easy, in fact i know it to be quite to opposite for you. And i still think that at some point in your life, you are going to have to go it alone, to see what else is out there for you and experience it with your whole self, not just part of it, with the other part stuck in the past somewhere. But you are young, so young. You have so much living ahead of you. Whos to say if you go it alone, you wont come full circle back to the same place. Whos to say you havent already. If it is meant to be it will happen. That is my philosophy. But please dont take what I say as anything more then some worldly adivce. I fell in love once when I was young. He was perfect to me and for me. There were our fair share of bumps, but he was nothing like i had experienced before. And i was happy. Until one day i woke up realizing i had been wondering what more there might be to life, and i made the tough decision to end my happiness and go it alone. And I have not looked back since."
"Do you regret the choices you made? Sometimes it is easier to give advice when you are not in the particular situation."
"How true it is! And my rambling should not be taken for any more then you feel it is worth. I have just had these few thoughts on my mind for awhile and I felt maybe you should hear them. I am glad you are happy. I have never wanted anything but the best for you. My feelings may have overwhelmed me in the past and blinded a few of my actions, but that is only because i act from what i feel. And you make me FEEL to the max! I have never met anyone who has made me FEEL the way you have and i dont just mean "feelings" for someone, but really feeling what it is to live, and to be understood, and happy in my heart. I can have a simple 5 minute conversation with you about the weather or about some fucked up movie and still come away from it feeling a glow in my heart. Because you hear me, and whether or not you care about everything i say, you make me feel like you do, and that to me is the difference between you and most other people in my life. You take me at face value and you value that. We're all a little fucked up in our own ways."
"Tell me about it."
"As for regrets, no. I would do it all again if i had to. I may have severed one connection, but it brought so many more into my life and continues to days after day. When i wake up in the morning and realize that I am free to make my own decisions and base my actions solely on how i will feel about the outcome, i relaize it was right for me. But i will stress those words .. right FOR ME ... not everyone. We are all different, had we not been, i would not have enjoyed my 24 years up until now. You make your decisions based on your heart and your feelings and your guts. And those are all completely different things from mine. Thats the beauty of it. I just want you to know that you will be ok if you go it alone, and that i think someday it will be right for you to, because you will learn so many valuable lessons from it, you wont even be able to comprehend how it is all possible. But then again, I may be completely wrong. It wouldnt be the first time. Sometimes I like to think I know whats best for people when in reality i have no sweet freaking clue. I just see a lot of me in you, or maybe its a lot of you in me. I dont know. All i know is im glad your back. But dont worry im not living under any dilusions this time. I have my eyes fully open. Im just grateful for your continued friendship. Like i said, you make my insides happy and for that i am eternally thankful! When you went away, I thought and thought for a long time about what exactly i had liked about you, and i came to a few conclusions. Do you want me to share?"
"Yes, that would be nice."
"I realized you were another beautiful person who had come into my life to insprie me. That is one thing i could never get over, the ways in which you inspired my creativity and my soul. And it was all through just being in contact with you. The energy you emmitted was astoudingly positive for me, and i drank it all up. Even after you are gone, the warm feeling around the heart still stays when i think of you. The other reason that continued to come back to me had to do with your soul. You may be young in age and expereince and sometimes actions, but you have an old soul. A soul that speaks to me. I never once thought of you as younger then me, and i always wondered why i was able to get along so well with someone who had not yet lived as long as I. I thought, what is it we truly have in common. Your mind may be young, but your body is the house for an old soul, one with years of caring and love, and wisdom to see the simple through the most complex. You dont judge and you take steps back to see the real picture. You love your surroundings and you dont take life for granted. You may not be able to verbalize all of the seeds of wisdom your soul has collected over the years, but you feel them and live them and share them through your treatment of others and the world around you. And i love the way you look at me when we talk. Like i am interesting. You never once made me feel stupid, regardless of the many times i may have seemed it. You made me feel that you cared. You made me feel special. And i can only hope I may have made you feel even a fraction of any of these things. I hope we were both able to take away many valuable things from our short time together. But that is why I am glad you are back. So maybe we can start recriprocating with lessons again. I know that it can never be the same. But that in itself makes it beautiful. This time it can be different, and it can be anything we want it to be! This excites me so very much."
"Im excited by the propect of newness as well."
"Thank you for being my friend. You presence in my life has meant more to me then you will ever know. You made me laugh at a time when i wanted to do anything but. You made me smile through tears I did not want to be shedding. You made the darkness that much brighter for me, and even in memory you still brought hope. I want to thank you for showing me kindness and for being yourself. You showed me what can be possible when something is real. You showed me life will always contain a blue sky and yellow sun, and that if you cant see it, its only because you need to adjust your view. I consider you MY eternal optimist. And i thank you for the lessons you brought me each day. I hope your evening is as fantastic as it can possibly be. Maybe we can have this talk again one day. Thank you for listening to me ramble."
"Anytime. You are never rambling, only expelling many different thoughts within the same breath. It is a constant with you, and therefore comfortable."
"Thank you for understanding."







current mood: undecided
current music:

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Date:2006-10-13 11:26
Subject:what makes you think your something special when you smile?
Security:Public

Things are pretty good right now.
I had my heart broken again yesterday, AGAIN being the operative word.
But that pothole aside:
~ Im reading a really great book right now (High Fidelity), after finishing another really great one. (1984, READ IT!)
~ Its been raining for 2 days, but im off this Saturday and Sunday for the first weekend in a month ... and you know what that means ... MARKET!!!!
~ I met a new friend a few weeks ago who bought me jellybeans as a thanks for a favour I did.
~ I got invited to TWO parties this weekend, not just one but TWO!!
~ One of them is a Halloween party this evening, so if i choose to go I get to dress up for the first time in 2 years. But if i dont go, my mom is going out tonight, so i can still come home and chill in an empty house! SCORE!
~ "The Beatles" came with me on my walk this morning.
~ The other day i got a late birthday present from a friend, which consisted of an old "Archies" vinyl he used to listen to as a child and a new CD he made me called "sandra's mix of green magic" .... oooohhh ... Betcha cant wait to listen to that one ...
~ I was able to reconnect and converse with an old friend the other day, who has been on tour for the past little while with his amazing band. I wish them all the luck in the world! They make my world happy when their songs come on my ipod at random intervals.
~ My mom was not home this morning before I went to work, therefore I was able to blast Simon and Garfunkle and dance around my top floor naked! I was also allowed the creative freedom to be able to clearly get these thoughts down on paper (or internet blog space to those technical people)
~ My co-worker bought me sponge bob pajamas as a 'cheer up' present yesterday and I wore them to bed last night and giggled to myself, because i was 'sleeping with' sponge bob . lol.
~ I was able to go to bridgewater last weekend to see my brother Sayer for the evening. It was so great to see him again, and since he and the other 2 live so far away, Im happy when I get any chance to chill with them. I had a great time chillin with him and his friends, and monday we adventured to the Ovens Natural Park and layed on the rocks like lizards all day!! SWEET
~ Today is friday and I am alive, and breathing, and healthy, and I have a lot of wonderful things in life to look forward to.

Thank you for my life!!
Thank you for the healing power of self-expression
Thank you for constant beauty


current mood: for some reason, extatic
current music: Reflections - ATMOSPHERE

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Date:2006-10-07 18:43
Subject:the grestest nostalgia is that for what has never truly been
Security:Public

The women here just like in magazines,
Stern, too precious, pissy, ferocious, blank, just so.
Bodies like 12 year old boys,
Faces like casino poker dealers, plastic and distant.
They look right through you,
They are only interested in your money.
And they all smoke, gorgeous and boring.
Who are they talking to on their tiny phones,
Psychics, drug dealers, crisis line operators,
Or maybe the ghost of Serge Gainsberg.
What music do they listen to,
Or do they listen to music at all ...



current music: "Double Header" - Buck 65
current mood: bad day at work

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Date:2006-08-22 18:56
Subject:you better make up some new answers, cuz the ones you have i dont get
Security:Public

Today I came home to a for sale sign on my front lawn.
Im quite sure how I feel about this yet ...


I guess it doesnt come as too much of a shock to me, since she has been talking about this for the past little while ...
But I feel as if I am being displaced again
I have mixed feelings about leaving this place I now call home .. It has never felt completely like home to me, since we moved in about a month before I moved away to attend university in New Brunsiwick .. I have only ever lived here for a succession of summers, 5 to be exact ... but a total of 20 months, out of the past 60 doesnt quite make for a lot of time to nest or get attached .. it has always just felt like my mom's house, which essentially it is, which is why it has been her decision to sell or not, and I just get to go along with the majority on this one .. however, im starting to have feelings of regret ... or maybe its more like remorse, I may not have been attached to this house and these walls that surround me, but I have become acustomed to this neighbourhood, and the area ... and I have experienced quite a few interesting events and feelings, and made more then my share of memories during my short stays ... Maybe its the memories I will miss the most ... but memories can be made anywhere ... Its just that all of my places of recent memory keep changing and re-arranging themselves, and essentially keep disappearing from my life ... no more fredericton ... no more 15 collins grove ... But the thing that gets me is im not sure where im left? Yes, I can move with her again, but do i really want to? I have spent the majority of this summer at home complaining about how much I dislike living back at home, and how i cant wait to move out ... so in theory, this is the perfect opportunity to exercise my wings, and try flying on my own again ... but i guess now that it comes down to it im a little scared ... (unfairly, i think some of that blame has to land on her shoulders for putting the worry bug in my head about financal issues, but i have to keep trying to explain to myself that money isnt everything, i am only young, and that really, tomorrow I could be dead, so why not just live life to the greatest extent i cant at this time and worry about money when i get old and crotchity like her ..) so what else am i scared of?? ... Now that i think, should be the question of the day ...

I think I may go ruminate on this issue for a little while ... if i come to any conclusions I will let you know ...
.. and if you know of any place for me to live, please let me know ...



Not too sure what i am thankful for today ... maybe for being able to get out of bed ...


current music: the incessant beeping of my piece-of-junk cordless phone
current mood: dispondant

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Date:2006-08-09 21:28
Subject:Why dont we do it in the road??
Security:Public

This is what is rocking my world right now ...




There are places I remember All my life though some have changed Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places had their moments With lovers and friends I still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life Ive loved them all But of all these friends and lovers There is no one compares with you And these memories lose their meaning When I think of love as something new Though I know Ill never loose affection For people and things that went before I know Ill often stop and think about them In my life I love you more Though I know Ill never lose affection For people and things that went before I know Ill often stop and think about them In my life I love you more In my life I love you more




You say you want a revolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that its evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Dont you know you can count me out
Dont you know its gonna be alright
Alright alright
You say you got a real solution
Well you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well you know
We're all doing what we can
But when you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait
Dont you know its going to be alright
Alright alright
You say you'll change the constitution
Well you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me its the institution
Well you know
You better free your mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Mao
You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow
Dont you know its going to be alright
Alright alright



Thank you for The Beatles



current mood: Splendid
current music: All Time Greatest Hits Vol. 3 - The Beatles

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Date:2006-08-02 00:15
Subject:when you got nothing, you got nothing to loose
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Last night i fell in love!!








The eyes, the crooked smile, the raspy voice and tattered lyrics, the marijuana smoking ... holy hell i never knew Bob Dylan was so freaking HOT!!!!!! Last night I watched a bio video on him ... and I fell ... HARD!!! He was so cute in his younger days, i can understand why all the little girlies loved him. lol. talent and brains ... and huge ass sex appeal!!! DAMN, if only i had been born a few years earlier .. and been cool enough to some how get in good with the likes of dyaln, and lennon and joan biaz .... ahhh, sorry i was just dreaming again ...



*le sigh* sweet dreams, here i come!!


Thank you for the beauty that surrounds us each and every day
Thank you for dreams


current mood: head in the clouds
current music: Like a rolling stone - bob dylan

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Date:2006-07-27 23:11
Subject:Rock and Roll is here to stay
Security:Public

Have you ever sat back on a beach and just watched the waves??

The rolling and the pouding of natures' raw beauty. The waves start building so far out at sea, that it is impossible to even comprehend their final form, the shape they eventually take is a mystery up until the exact moment they rise out of the water. They are pulled along by undercurrents, all with their own agendas, trying to pull the waves this way and that, trying to take each one for their own pleasure and amusement. But the waves are strong, they fight back with a feriocity that was not thought possible from such a gentle movement. They refuse to be taken off a course they were destined to follow. So they build, silently and strongly in the deep waters. They flow, back and forth until they have reached a closer vantage point to their destination. With the shore in sight, they magestically rise out of the water, pushing the limits until they achieve a complete climax of strength and beauty, higher and higher, never satisfied with any less then perfection. Then the fall .... the downward spiral, like so much of life; how the mighty have fallen .... They crash into each other, rolling over top of the other waves, fighting to reach even one inch on the shoreline where salvation supposidly lies. With all of their energy spent, they float on broken dreams and the last legs of their adreneline rush, aching to reach their destination, trying desperatly to find that tiny amount of will power to push them the final few steps. Some will reach the shore, and know the power of achieving a dream, others will fall slightly short, only knowing the bitter taste of failure. But all will eventually be pulled backwards, into the swirling mass created by their drive and enthuasiam, into a vortex and spinning and re-configuring, only to be sent back to the beginning, to be given another shot at a chance for glory. With renewed strength and lessons learned, they will take a deep breath and re-trace their steps, their heart filled with the false hopes of achieveing the un-achievable. But its the heart that counts ... and the spirit, and those two things are what makes all of life's little disappointments that much easier to swallow ....


***


Sometimes I cant help the weird analogys that come out of my brain ... my life ... a waves life ... sometimes it all swirls together so completley that i no longer know what is real and what isnt ... and sometimes the things that seemed the most real are the first ones to break ... or crash just slightly offshore and off target ... werid ... i dunno what im thinking, I sat down with a key borad under my finger tips, and this is what i ended up with ... maybe my subconcious is telling me to go to the beach ....


Thank you for the beauty in nature
Thank you for strength
Thank you for the lessons learned
Thank you for waves


current mood: swept away in a tide of emotion
current music: The Band

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Date:2006-07-18 23:34
Subject:I devote my life ot the man of steel
Security:Public

Ok ... I just felt this needed to be said ...

~ SUPERMAN was the coolest movie to see EVER ... especially in 3D IMAX!!!
Im possibly in love with superman, hes the shit man, he can do ANYTHING .. hes a hunk AND useful lol .. what a combo ...

~ Pirates of the Caribbean ... not so much ... longest movie of LIFE ... i felt like i had been there for 3 hours, after i woke up from my mini nap half way through ... needless to say, wasnt the best movie i have seen in awhile lol



The only other comment I will make tonight, is the fact that i am headed to Rollo Bay this weekend, for SHORELINE FESTIVAL!! This has been rocking my world for quite awhile, but in the recent past i had actually forgotten about it .. (trying to put it out of my mind, so i didnt just sit and pine away the days leading up to it possibly lol) ... but seeing my friend Jarrett this weekend reminded me of the awesomeness that is about to ensue on the shores of sunny PEI, and i cant freaking wait!!!! 3 blissful days of camping and music ... and 2000 random ppl from all over the world ... and drugs!! lol (ok, pls disregard that last part, it was only in your imagination .. oooooo ) heheheh ... Hopefully ill be able to remember lots of stories to reminice about in here ... wish me luck!!!


PS the best surprise of life today was when my friend Jordan found me in the food court at lunch, to come and give me mail he had written for me ... since jordan is no longer living in the city, this was quite an awesome jesture on his part!!! You Rock!!


Thank you for outdoor music festivals
Thank you for mail
Thank you for pleasant surprises that make the world go round
Thank you for peace


current mood: jubilation
current music: New IPOD playlist!!!!

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Date:2006-07-13 11:27
Subject:take that time to stop and smell the roses
Security:Public

Ok, last night is a perfect example of why living does not need to be planned out minute by minute ... if you just sit back and let life guide you, sometimes it will take you really fun places ....


Last night, I took in the first free concert of my life. WILCO was playing at the Dartmouth waterfront, and WE decided to go down and check it out to see if WE would be able to catch the concert from outside. WE didnt have the $40 required to actually enter the foray, but standing just at the fence was all i needed to experience the fantastic muisc they rolled out. After awhile, WE ventured to a secluded parking spot to chill beneath the trees with good company. The concert was just as audable from our new vantage point, and we sat back and let the view and the moments take us away. I have never heard WILCO before last evening, and even tho they were a completely different sound from what I was expecting, i actually throughly enjoyed them. They managed to get me dancing at some points, so they're A1 in my books. lol. Unfortunately because the venue was in Dartmouth, they were forced to end their performance around 11pm ... silly city by-laws ... But that makes for an early evening, and since WE arent excactly the type to respect the laws of time, we ended up in need of a new activity ...

Thankfully, WE like to consider ourselves adventurers, and were quite up for the challenge of exploring a new area. We headed down to the other end of the waterfront, where we found this cool new playground in the shape of a ship. It had all kinds of climbing areas, and steering areas, (to guide the vessel into the right port) a few tunnels and even a slide or 2. There was also a little poster proclaiming all matter of sea life to be found in the near by Halifax Harbour, a very educational tool if i may say so myself. (they failed to mention a few varities of sea creatures that live there, like the gaint inflatable tampons, the mutated sea urchins with 3 heads and the angry, disformed pet fish that get continuously flushed down the toilet lol.) After WE had sufficiently explored the stationary vessel, we moved on to the giant, triangular errection down by the waters edge. This place just happened to be the dartmouth Peace Pavillion. I only had vague memories of this area, so WE decided to venture in to see what it was all about. Afer scaling the wall, since for some weird and crazy reason the peace pavillion gates were LOCKED,(does nobody understand, peace should not be restricted, geeeezeee) we found ourselves in an outdoor classroom surrounded by rocks from every country in the world. It was a very nice spot to sit and chill for awhile, very comforting and inviting. Time started flying, as it has a tendency to do, and after awhile WE found that WE were not the only ones who were looking to enjoy the good vibes from the peace centre. A guy and a girl had come over the wall in a similar fashion as WE had, and asked us if WE wanted to chill and smoke a j with them. After conversing with our new found friends, WE came to understand that this guy was sleeping there at night because he had no other place to go, and when they unlocked the gates at 6am, they would kick him out so it was like an alarm clock for him, to get him up so he could make his probation meetings and rehab appointments. They were both very nice people, and after thanking them profusly for their kindness, WE were off and headed in the next direction ....

After hoping in our vehicle, WE came up with a plan to explore someone elses childhood haunts for a change ... Our next stop was a large church parking lot surrounded by woods that had once concealed many late night drinking activities and the playfull imaginations of young boys. We tramped into the woods in search of physical evidence of an earlier society, but were not rewarded by any such proof. But the woods at nigth is always fun, and as usual WE dont need to have any spot in particular in order to have a fantastic conversation ... wooded clearings at 1am or the middle of gravel parking lots ... no difference to US. After our romp through the dense underbrush, we headed across the street to the near by ball field. I was regaled with memories and ancidotes, and in our course of conversation, WE stumbled across some newly built swings!! Since swings are just about the most awesome thing to play on at 2am, WE jumped right on and began a race to the sky!!!! After the momentum died down, WE explored the other playgrounds in the general vacinity, and found a little mini one with a tree house and a tent type roof. Sitting cross legged on the floor, sharing, being, laughing, smiling .... eventually the round of yawns WE were passing back and forth was beginning to overtake us, so with a slight detour around the back a a dirty, old strip mall, we made our way back to the ol' gas guzzler and on to our respective places of rest .... probably one of the most random/fun night of my life ...

Thank you for the roof over my head
Thank you for warm summer evenings
Thank you for amazing company
Thank you for the beauty life has to offer


current mood: caught in blissful memory
current music: Out of the races and onto the tracks - The Rapture

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Date:2006-06-29 10:30
Subject:expression of life
Security:Public

... "Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember, always remember" ....


A Ferry ride is always a good way to start off an adventure. Especially the halifax/dartmouth ferry. Its such an old, sturdy vessel, you've never felt more safe in your life! The cool wind blowing in your hair, facing one another, conversing about the days.


Every good adventure has to have a starting point and what better way to kick it off then to participate in a Ghost Walk around a foreign city, taking in the sights and being regaled by stories of murder, privateers and ghostly hauntings. Its always a good idea to share it with someone in case you encounter any of these otherworldly spirits. The laughter, the communication, the looks of all-knowing and skepticism. The occassional contact of shared energy. The enjoyment of shared knowledge and time well spent.


Then, the inevitable question, "where to next?" Quickly solved by an aimless wander around a beautiful city let up by millions of bright lights. Experiencing the night life, and savoring the warm summer evening. Surrounded by smells of the distinct and unfamiliar, taking in the busy city as the opposing groups of people switch places for the remainder of the day. Laughter and stories, it doesnt get any better. No pressing matters or time restrictions. Free to choose to make decisions or not, free to be ourselves, free to be.

Wandering will eventually lead you somewhere, and what better place to end up than the water! The soothing sounds and laping waves, the smell of sea air and the images it evokes. Sitting on the edge of a pier, overlooking the majestic spread of water. The twinkle of lights on the opposite shore, and the distant sounds of a city over-run. The feeling of being as far away from civilization as our imaginations would take us. The bond being created through questions and shared insights; the never-ending stream of smiles and laughter; the realness of it all. The solitude and the awareness. The blissfull peace.


Another ferry ride. This one within the confines of metal and plastic. After an evening spent in the open elements, warmth and dryness are a welcome comfort. The closeness of 2 bodies and 2 minds. A cold car. A question. The expression that time does not have to come to its enevitable ending quite yet. An invitation. An acceptance. The journey now takes us to a very residential neighbourhood in our familiar, yet seldom explored home town. The announcement of the number 36. A new place, unknown and uncharted. A comfortable couch which one could sink into for hours and hours. The passing of a peace offering. The comfort shared by 2, now plus one brother. A slight drooping of the eyes and a general sense of contentment. Time passing. The ending of a never-seen-before-movie. Slight laughter and a blaze of more smiles. The adventure has finally come to an end, with the promise of more beginnings.



Friendship in bloom. Isnt life grand!?


current mood: hands down best day EVER!!
current music: "the grass"

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Date:2006-06-24 02:16
Subject:Tonight I was part of a 'Matt" sandwich
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So I took a pretty big step today and told a boy I liked him.
Well kind of ...
Actually, what I said was more along the lines of 'would you be interested in hanging out sometime.'
He indeed replied yes, but he had also to warn me, he has a girlfriend.
This makes me sad.
Well kind of ...
There was the initial reaction of the let down, since in actual fact I had been hoping for a more repsonsive answer, something along the lines of 'hell ya, you seem cool and I would love to get to know you so we can get married one day.'
Or maybe I just made that up ...
Anywho, it has since occurred to me that this indeed might be a blessing in dusguise.
Since I have developed a crush on this poor, little boy, I have been constantly obsessing over ways I could create a situation in which I will be able to talk to him, or little topics that I would be able to use to engage him in conversation.
I feel comfortable talking to almost any guy in the world, but NOT guys I have crushes on.
I have never really understood this.
But Ive been having the butterflies and the rolling stomaches for a little while now and have basically been to chicken to talk to him.
Until tonight.
When I finally sucked up my courage.
(if you can call it 'sucking up courage' after fretting over it the whole night, and forcing myself to walk aimlessly through zellars for about 1 hr looking at mindless crap, trying to contain myself from throwing up while practicing my little memorized speech.)
God Im pathetic sometimes.
But at least I can say I did it.
And at least he told me he has a girlfriend.
Darn!
I was hoping this one would be different, but I guess in the back on my mind I wondered how that could be so, when presented with such a fantastic individual.
(PS my very limited knowledge is based on very limited contact and bits and pieces of info and observations I have been a party to. But im sure he will definately turn out to be fantastic, if not some other equally as exciting verb.)
But I still cant figure out how I feel about this.
Am I sad, or am I ok??
I think that I am ok, because now we are friends. I told him I was good with friends, I love friends, and he assured me he would call sometime.
(yeah right ..)
And since I came to the realization earlier this evening, that I am able to approach most guys in the world without fear, because my intent is simply to become their friend and as a friend I do not feel a certain pressure to be someone they are expecting. In fact I feel absoultly none of this pressure. When I become friends with a boy, I will instantly act myself because I figure if they dont like what they get, they can always say 'no thank you' and move on the greener pastures. And it wont hurt because we have only created a bond on a friendly level. Boys I LIKE are very different. Even tho I want to be myself and eventually will become myself, I still feel a certain pressure to be a certain way for them, at least in the beginning. I guess maybe I just dont feel as comfortable saying all my stupid shit or acting silly, until I am able to gage if they are willing to put up with the foolishness that is me, or if they will move to the greener pastures once they have had a glimpse inside.
mehhh ....
( I think I just tooted my own horn for a few too many lines. I publicly appologize, this is being hashed out at an un-godly hour, under very sleepy circumstances.)
So rejection or blessing???
I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
See what comes of a friendship that is possibly in the works.
Maybe I will be lucky.
Or maybe I will be lucky either way, my actual task being only to detect and interpret the outcome of any possible situation.
So I guess I am happy.
Well kind of ...
In my opinion Wintersleep should have played a longer set, only because we love them so.
Then I would fade into dream land perfectly pleased.
Well kind of ...



Thank you for Wintersleep
Thank you for feet to dance
Thank you for music


current mood: Kind of ...
current music: Avalanche - Wintersleep

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Date:2006-06-20 18:54
Subject:these are a few of my favorite things ...
Security:Public

Long ago I started an entry regarding my favorite things .. I figured it would be an on-going list since I change my mind almost as often as my clothes (heheh) Lately I have been giving more thought to the things in life that do make me happy, the little things, the forgotten things ... I think now would be a good time to add to the initial list, with the hint of summer looming in the near future ...


~ Bbq's
~ cheeseburgers (yummmmm)
~ apple pie (mmmmmmmm)
~ walking on hot rocks by the ocean, in bare feet
~ green grass
~ wandering
~ IGGY!!! (my ipod and constant companion)
~ My bus pass
~ sharing
~ walking in the grass, in bare feet
~ EVOLVE festival ... or any other outdoor music festival for that matter
~ HMV
~ stickers
~ PINS!!!
~ my backpack that goes with me everywhere!
~ new friends
~ THE SUMMER!!!!! (yahooooooooooooooo)
~ the sun :)
~ the black market, mary janes, and the bead pod
~ "my rock" in point pleasant
~ bare feet in general
~ my 4 disk Woodstock Album
~ TREES!!!
~ my glass pipe
~ books!! (i love these enough for it to be mentioned again!!)
~ SLOWCOASTER!!!!
~ halifax in the summer
~ the waterfront
~ Fantasia 2000 .. (and the memories ..)
~ ice cream
~ words! (especially the BIG ones)
~ the ocean
~ the smell of salt water
~ the smell of freshly cut grass
~ the smell of bbq (yummm)
~ white wine
~ multi-cultural festivals
~ NACHOS
~ my imaginary friend ...
~ WOE
~ Jonathan Corey (*le sigh*)
~ colors
~ making things
~ seashells
~ chillin outside
~ disney movies
~ the internet
~ the environment
~ jewellry!!!! (especially the hand made kind)
~ my berks! (best buy EVER)
~ my nanny blanket
~ my FRIENDS :)
~ .. did i meantion the sun?? ...
~ rocks!!!
~ Dr. Seuss
~ walking ... everywhere and anywhere
~ Stadium Arcadium by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers (best Cds EVER)
~ LETTERS!!!!
~ home-made presents
~ mix CDS
~ the stars
~ the sky
~ being alive
~ LIFE in general ....


hmmmm ... lot more then i was expecting ... life is grand!!!
Think of the possibilities ...
... THINK ...


current mood: contemplative
current music: Dani California - Chilli Peppers

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